ATTITUDE RECONSTRUCTION: A BLUEPRINT FOR BUILDING A BETTER LIFE
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Posts Tagged ‘love’

Helping a Jealous and Insecure Partner

jealous_partnerRon and Connie came in to see me. Their marriage was already in peril. They had been married less than a year, later in life after living together for four years. Then, while they were out listening to music and drinking, disaster struck. Ron was getting too cozy with a mutual acquaintance.

Since then, Connie had a pit in her stomach. Her long-standing jealousy ramped up. She started to think “If it’s going to be this awful, I can’t take it. I’m out of here.”

Please note: Connie’s jumping into the worst-case scenario was only fueling her fear. It wasn’t helping her deal with what she was feeling right now. Her job was to reel herself in when escape thoughts started to play, and realize she needed closure on the specific event she had observed.

But even more, she needed to hear the reality from Ron. In all sincerity, he said he wasn’t interested in anyone else. He had committed to her after dating so many women he couldn’t count.

He said (and I wrote down):
I am not interested in an affair or leaving you.
I married you because you’re the one.
I want us to be as solid as Jeff Bridges and his wife.

Connie started to cry, having relayed seeing them at the airport last week and observing their nonverbal connection.

I instructed Ron to repeat what he had just said to Connie every day until it really sank in for her. He was not her philandering father who had strayed from her mom. Connie didn’t need to be suspicious. She needed to hear the reality from Ron and as well, remind herself of the truth over and over.

Tip: It’s so important to write down what you know but forget, like how much you love your spouse, or how much you need to keep working at your job because you need the money right now. Holding on to what is true and repeating it over and over to remind yourself, is a powerful antidote when all the doubts and emotions that can carry you away into torrents of murky waters. One of the things that happens when we are in the grip of fear is that we forget what’s true when we are clear.

Speak up to Transform Your Life and Relationships

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Both men and women have to speak up in order to take charge of their lives and cultivate meaningful relationships!

We don’t speak up for the same general reasons, which include:

  • I don’t want to rock the boat  — I want to keep the status quo
  • I don’t want others to have any emotions – be upset, scared, hurt, mad
  • I don’t want to hear what they have to say because I’m angry and when I’m angry, I’m convinced that my way is clearly the correct way
  • I want to avoid conflict at all cost

We pay a high price by stuffing it — by going silent, stonewalling, and withdrawing. Learn how you can transform your life & relationships.

Where’s my joy? I’ve just not honored myself – unhappy.

Where’s my love? Instead of feeling connected and being part of the collective energy flow, I’m a million miles away – isolated.

Where’s my peace? This moment doesn’t feel safe.

During a session recently, a husband was sitting on the couch with his wife. He was trying to share his health concerns with her. At his first pause, she started giving him nutritional recommendations.

I leaned forward and said to him: “And when she’s giving you her opinion and that’s the last thing in the world you want, with the sweetest most loving voice you can muster, say ‘Honey, I just want to be listened to for a few minutes right now.”

The key is to say it sweetly, lightly and repeatedly until she stops and refocuses on what you were saying.

And what did the guy on the couch say after all that? “That would be new for me!”

At an early age he’d learned to cope by going into his “serious brooding” mode and distancing himself. She hated it when he did that.

What we all really want in our social relationships especially with family members, is to feel good about ourselves, to feel connected/share/feel part of a team, and know we’re safe in our own little tribe. (Attitude Reconstruction contends that these three goals are the three Ultimate Attitudes associated with the three emotions of joy, love, and peace.)

When the other person has coaxed you to talk or you finally speak up about something you know you’ve been avoiding, more joy, love, and peace awaits just by lightly repeating the words…

“I just want to be listened to for a few minutes right now.”

Here are three important points:

  1. This doesn’t mean you get to hold onto the microphone and talk for as long as you want. It’s got to be shared fifty-fifty.
  1. Talk about yourself and what’s going on for you. This isn’t “listen to me while I tell you about you.” For both or all people involved, the focus is you sharing about yourself. That’s how feelings of closeness arise.
  1. When you’ve finished what you want to say, you can solicit other’s impressions, feelings, suggestions, etc. IF you want them.

 

We all just want to be understood, aka listened to – to be seen for “us” as a worthy being.  As scary as it can seem at first, I guarantee that speaking up will bring copious rewards and breakthrough moments. You will be more authentic and your relationship will prosper.

 

Not Good Enough

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“Not enough” comes in all shapes and sizes. We can feel like we aren’t enough, how we look, how smart we are, or how talented we are isn’t enough, what we have or do isn’t enough, what is happening currently isn’t enough, or other people aren’t enough. Stop comparing and bringing yourself down! In all cases, you need to reverse the focus from what you or others do or don’t have to focus on enjoying, appreciating, and being grateful for who you are and what is. This simple shift requires moving from “out there” back to yourself.

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5 Ways To Stop Being So Self-Critical

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Are you considering buying pajama jeans because your womanly curves yell at you in the mirror? Do you park your Camry a block away because all the other housewives drive Escalades? Got a barrage of brutal self-talk to ready-aim-fire every time you interview for a new job or go on yet another date?

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The One Thing that Will Always Remain Private

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With the advent of electronic devises, privacy isn’t what it was just a couple of decades ago. That of course has pros and cons, and that’s another topic for another day.

It’s lovely that there is still one area that I believe is going to stay private: what we are thinking at any moment. You never really know what kind of commentary another person is running. You always know what you’re thinking.

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Free Communication Class

Mark your calendar!

UPCOMING FREE COMMUNICATION CLASS

Saturday October 19, 2019
Santa Barbara

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Jude Bijou, Author
Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist, educator, author, and speaker.  Meet Jude

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Attitude Reconstruction
2012 Benjamin Franklin Award
Winner in Self-Help
2012 ForeWord Reviews
Winner in Psychology
2012 ForeWord Reviews
Winner in Self-Help
2012 International Book Award
Winner in Health: Psychology/Mental Health
2012 Nautilus Silver Award
Winner in Personal Growth/Self Help/Psychology
2012 LA Festival of Books
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