ATTITUDE RECONSTRUCTION: A BLUEPRINT FOR BUILDING A BETTER LIFE
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Posts Tagged ‘Attitude Reconstruction’

Accepting a Sibling’s Illness

accepting-illnessRachel was crying frequently for the last months. She was so sad that her younger sister, Irene, the one she’d always looked out for, was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Rachel had already told Irene that she would send her money each month to help ease the financial burden that she and her husband were experiencing. But somehow that didn’t seem like enough and it didn’t ease Rachel’s pain.

They lived two thousand miles away. Rachel had to accept that she couldn’t protect Irene from her cancer and couldn’t visit her but once a month.

More importantly, Rachel had to accept that she was doing everything she could. She needed to face and internalize the reality. She repeated, There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t do anything. This is the way it is. Irene had cancer.

Then she needed to stop projecting into the future about all the what-ifs. So in addition, she repeated over and over, “I’ll handle the future in the future.” Rachel realized that all that she could do was to be there for Irene on the telephone and by Skype, as frequently as Irene so desired. She could listen and offer emotional support over the phone. That was all she could do, and that’s was exactly what she needs.

Rachel realized that she was doing everything she could. And that indeed, she was there for her sis. She felt a palpable relief wash over her.

Tip: Accepting the reality doesn’t leave you feeling passive and defeated. It creates the foundation for you to listen within and decide what is your best course of action, and then do that without the mental static of beating yourself up and feeling sad.

 

Accepting The Way Big Corporations Which Run Our Lives Operate

corporation-numbersI wish you or someone would provide an approach to dealing with the corporations which run our lives. Corporations who collect our money (telephone companies, dating services, TV providers and many more), seduce us with promises to give a service, and then are totally unreachable to hear our voices about their LACK of service. They bury themselves in cocoons of automated telephone numbers, leaving messages which don’t get answered, writing emails which receive form letters… endless issues which don’t get addressed. It’s often impossible to reach a human being, and when one does, he is a powerless robot of the company.

How can one deal with them, or how to adopt an attitude that doesn’t ruin ones equilibrium? I so dislike how anonymous we have all become: just numbers and more numbers.

According to Attitude Reconstruction, the first step in finding an approach with the corporations that run our lives is to truly accept that here in 2015, that’s the way it is. That “People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.” Accept that the services we receive are impersonal. Repeat these phrases over and over, until you truly get it that, “that’s the way it is.” Also do the same and accept that we have all become anonymous — just numbers and more numbers. “We have all become anonymous — just numbers and more numbers” “Yes. That’s true and I have to accept that fact if I want equilibrium.”

True acceptance takes you from anger to love, from perceiving the corporations as the enemy to figuring out what your heart tells you is the best course of action – for you.

This process is accelerated by expressing your anger constructively and physically because non- acceptance yields feelings of separate, alienation, and isolation. We have to deal with the emotion on an energetic level. That means while you are releasing the pure sensation you feel in your body by pounding, or stomping, or yelling nonsense words, just make sounds or repeat over and over, “that’s the way it is.” (Saying that should increase your anger, because the impersonal-ness feels like a violation or injustice and so naturally evokes the anger pure sensation in your body — hot extremities, wanting to strike out aggressively.) Use as your model, a little kid having a temper-tantrum. If not interrupted a child will dispel the anger energy and then move on getting interested in something else in the present.

Then from a state of equanimity you can look within yourself, your heart, and determine on a case by case basis, if there is something you can do or not. If so, do it. If not, make peace with the reality (repeat until you get it: “Corporations run the way they do, not the way I think they should run”) and you can easily move on back to grooving on what works, paying attention to what is in your power to change.

Tip: From a stance of true acceptance, you can look within and determine what resonates in terms of action. Without acceptance, you can take action but it’s easy to distract from your point by your destructive and blaming delivery style. Repeat the old adage coined by Dr. Albert Ellis “People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.” And you will feel more loving and handle the situation more constructively.

How to Handle Unsolicited Advice

We all know some well intending (for the most part) souls who are happy to give us directives in everything from how to wear our hair to why we need to get a ‘real’ job to why we’re the reason our kid is failing algebra. Mom might tell you to ditch the boyfriend or stand up to the boss. Instead of biting your tongue or lashing out in frustration, it’s time to adopt a strategy to deal with all the unsolicited advice you’re getting in your life.

Their well-meaning 2-cents-worth is what I call, “you-ing.” They are telling you about you without your permission. That’s the opposite of the first Attitude Reconstruction communication rule, which is “talk about yourself” — stick to your “I.” You-ing naturally elicits anger. They are out of their own back yard. If you aren’t ready for or don’t want feedback, it’s counter productive.

According to Attitude Reconstruction, when you’re drowning in the sea of uninvited advice from others, remember these six tips:

  1. Unsolicited advice and opinions mean that someone believes they are entitled to tell you about yourself without gaining permission. The reality is that we are each responsible for ourselves. That’s quite enough of a task in itself.
  1. When unsolicited advice comes at you, don’t argue with it. Remember that you are just the target of their misplaced anger, that it’s not personal, and that you are fine just the way you are. Blasting them back won’t help. Don’t look for the grain of truth in what’s being said. Don’t be overly polite and let others go on and on just to hear themselves talk. Instead, be the matador, put out your cape, step aside, and let the “bull” go flying by.
  1. Then lovingly but firmly speak up about what is true for you. Tell them it’s not helpful to you to receive unsolicited advice. Maybe mention that support and appreciation work much better for you. Matador their retort to you speaking up. Don’t get sucked into their rationalizations about how they are just trying to help. Acknowledge their good intentions and be a broken record, such as “I‘m getting angry right now because I’m not wanting any advice right now.”
  1. If they don’t hear and acknowledge what you’ve said — what is true for you right now – lovingly say it again, as many times as you need to, until they stop. Repeat each time they do it again. “I know you’re concerned about me, but I’m really not looking for input right now. When I need it, I’ll let you know.”
  1. And finally, appreciate them at times when they are not giving advice. Deep down, we all relish compliments, even though we may resist at the time.

 

Learning to tap in and listen to your own soul’s advice is always the biggest source of wisdom. But when others are bent on telling you the way your life needs to be, remember to honor yourself, to speak your truth and to say, ‘no thank you.’

 

Feeling connected through talking-and-LISTENING.

listening

It always feels good to have a personal cheerleader so I suggest you find one! Seeking support from another person might take a little courage. Maybe you’ll feel vulnerable, embarrassed, or concerned about imposing. Do it anyway.

Generate a list of possible candidates and choose one. Write out your request first, then feel your fear and dare to ask. If someone declines, don’t take it personally. Just try someone else. Ideally, the person you select will be working on making personal changes too, so you can cheer each other on.

Make contact at the appointed time. Watch out for making excuses not to check in. If you resist, deal with your emotions—shiver, cry or pound, then make the call. You’re both responsible to initiate your check-in, so don’t wait for the other person.

Possible Check-In Format

1. One person talks. The other just pays attention and listens. Set a timer so that you stick to the agreed-upon time each person will have.

2. Switch roles after the timer goes off.

3. Confirm your next check-in time.

4. Exchange appreciations.

The support person’s not there to take charge and tell you what to do. If she has her own stake in your changing, she’ll lose the ability to encourage you when you don’t meet her expectations. You want your cheerleader primarily to listen, look for the positive, and, with your permission, kindly point out attitudes or actions that seem counterproductive. If they’re upbeat, empathetic, congratulatory, and reliable, you’ve found the right person.

News for the New Year

relaxing

I wish everyone a most uplifting and fulfilling coming year. For me and Attitude Reconstruction there are some shifts in the air. For one, I have decided to stop blogging twice a week at this point. (I’ll disclose others shifts as the year goes on as I think of them.) I will continue to share on a semi regular basis interesting things as the spirit moves me. Here are three articles I found quite relevant recently.

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March 17th, 2018
One-Day Communication Class

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Jude Bijou, Author
Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist, educator, author, and speaker.  Meet Jude

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Attitude Reconstruction
2012 Benjamin Franklin Award
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2012 ForeWord Reviews
Winner in Self-Help
2012 International Book Award
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