ATTITUDE RECONSTRUCTION: A BLUEPRINT FOR BUILDING A BETTER LIFE
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Posts Tagged ‘acceptance’

Accepting a Sibling’s Illness

accepting-illnessRachel was crying frequently for the last months. She was so sad that her younger sister, Irene, the one she’d always looked out for, was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Rachel had already told Irene that she would send her money each month to help ease the financial burden that she and her husband were experiencing. But somehow that didn’t seem like enough and it didn’t ease Rachel’s pain.

They lived two thousand miles away. Rachel had to accept that she couldn’t protect Irene from her cancer and couldn’t visit her but once a month.

More importantly, Rachel had to accept that she was doing everything she could. She needed to face and internalize the reality. She repeated, There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t do anything. This is the way it is. Irene had cancer.

Then she needed to stop projecting into the future about all the what-ifs. So in addition, she repeated over and over, “I’ll handle the future in the future.” Rachel realized that all that she could do was to be there for Irene on the telephone and by Skype, as frequently as Irene so desired. She could listen and offer emotional support over the phone. That was all she could do, and that’s was exactly what she needs.

Rachel realized that she was doing everything she could. And that indeed, she was there for her sis. She felt a palpable relief wash over her.

Tip: Accepting the reality doesn’t leave you feeling passive and defeated. It creates the foundation for you to listen within and decide what is your best course of action, and then do that without the mental static of beating yourself up and feeling sad.

 

Accepting The Way Big Corporations Which Run Our Lives Operate

corporation-numbersI wish you or someone would provide an approach to dealing with the corporations which run our lives. Corporations who collect our money (telephone companies, dating services, TV providers and many more), seduce us with promises to give a service, and then are totally unreachable to hear our voices about their LACK of service. They bury themselves in cocoons of automated telephone numbers, leaving messages which don’t get answered, writing emails which receive form letters… endless issues which don’t get addressed. It’s often impossible to reach a human being, and when one does, he is a powerless robot of the company.

How can one deal with them, or how to adopt an attitude that doesn’t ruin ones equilibrium? I so dislike how anonymous we have all become: just numbers and more numbers.

According to Attitude Reconstruction, the first step in finding an approach with the corporations that run our lives is to truly accept that here in 2015, that’s the way it is. That “People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.” Accept that the services we receive are impersonal. Repeat these phrases over and over, until you truly get it that, “that’s the way it is.” Also do the same and accept that we have all become anonymous — just numbers and more numbers. “We have all become anonymous — just numbers and more numbers” “Yes. That’s true and I have to accept that fact if I want equilibrium.”

True acceptance takes you from anger to love, from perceiving the corporations as the enemy to figuring out what your heart tells you is the best course of action – for you.

This process is accelerated by expressing your anger constructively and physically because non- acceptance yields feelings of separate, alienation, and isolation. We have to deal with the emotion on an energetic level. That means while you are releasing the pure sensation you feel in your body by pounding, or stomping, or yelling nonsense words, just make sounds or repeat over and over, “that’s the way it is.” (Saying that should increase your anger, because the impersonal-ness feels like a violation or injustice and so naturally evokes the anger pure sensation in your body — hot extremities, wanting to strike out aggressively.) Use as your model, a little kid having a temper-tantrum. If not interrupted a child will dispel the anger energy and then move on getting interested in something else in the present.

Then from a state of equanimity you can look within yourself, your heart, and determine on a case by case basis, if there is something you can do or not. If so, do it. If not, make peace with the reality (repeat until you get it: “Corporations run the way they do, not the way I think they should run”) and you can easily move on back to grooving on what works, paying attention to what is in your power to change.

Tip: From a stance of true acceptance, you can look within and determine what resonates in terms of action. Without acceptance, you can take action but it’s easy to distract from your point by your destructive and blaming delivery style. Repeat the old adage coined by Dr. Albert Ellis “People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.” And you will feel more loving and handle the situation more constructively.

Getting a Grip on Your Anger

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Attitude Reconstruction is based on the fact that all of our problems, our bad habits and attitudes, stem back to unexpressed emotions – that is sadness, anger, and fear. To feel more of our other three emotions – joy, love, and peace — we need to acknowledge and express our sadness, anger, and fear naturally, physically, and constructively.

It’s important to realize that our emotions are just pure energy. Look at the word “emotion.” It’s made up of E + motion. Energy in motion. If we move the energy out of our bodies, it passes and calmness and clarity is restored.

Anger is the body’s natural reaction to injustices and violations. A violation could be feeling betrayed or slandered. It could be your house being robbed or someone taking credit for your project. An injustice could be witnessing discrimination, hearing about corruption, or being called out at home plate when you were safe. When we experience injustices and violations, we naturally feel angry. Our temperatures rise and we want to strike out and do some damage.

We also perpetuate our own anger by focusing on other people and situations, thinking the world and those in it “should” be different than they are, negatively judging what we don’t accept, and believing everyone should conform to our wishes because we know best. Wanting to strike out, saying or doing mean things, or viewing other people, things, and situations as enemies won’t bring you love. In fact, your anger-based actions can land you in jail or locked up in an emotional prison of feeling separate and isolated.

Dissolve anger by pounding, stomping, or yelling

Deep breathing or thinking your way thru flashes of anger is not realistic. Think about what children do when they feel anger. They have a temper tantrum and then it’s over and they resume their activities. We must deal with that hot, urge to lash out and inflict damage in a constructive way and express it safely, physically and naturally.

  • Express anger energy physically without damaging a person or anything of value. Find a safe place to push against a wall, stomp around the room, or pound the heck out of old phone books. Do it hard, fast, and with abandon. While expressing the anger don’t say negative things and swear. Just make sounds and move the physical energy out of your body.
  • Interrupt destructive thinking about how people and things “should” be different and accept what is. Repeat 100,000 times or until you truly get it, “People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.”

 

When you get rid of anger’s emotional energy, you get back to yourself, your heart. You’ll feel more loving and assert yourself with honesty, kindness, and empathy. Barriers you’ve built with others will come crashing down and your connections will be real and healthy.

Each time you own and deal with your anger physically and constructively and accept what is, you create love. It’s hard at first. We’ve got our pride. Our ego is strong and we feel so justified. But it works. It’s effective. Natural. Fast.

Expectations Lead to Heartache – Acceptance Brings More Love

manson

Recently Tom came into my office. He is a middle-aged athletic man living here in Santa Barbara with a lovely wife and 9-year old son, Jimmy. Tom was really frustrated because Jimmy would rather be on his computer than play sports. Every weekend was a battle to get Jimmy out of the house. It was getting old and there was growing unspoken tension whenever they were together.

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The One Thing that Will Always Remain Private

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With the advent of electronic devises, privacy isn’t what it was just a couple of decades ago. That of course has pros and cons, and that’s another topic for another day.

It’s lovely that there is still one area that I believe is going to stay private: what we are thinking at any moment. You never really know what kind of commentary another person is running. You always know what you’re thinking.

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Jude Bijou, Author
Jude Bijou is a licensed marriage and family therapist, educator, author, and speaker.  Meet Jude

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Attitude Reconstruction
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2012 ForeWord Reviews
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