Are you considering buying pajama jeans because your womanly curves yell at you in the mirror? Do you park your Camry a block away because all the other housewives drive Escalades? Got a barrage of brutal self-talk to ready-aim-fire every time you interview for a new job or go on yet another date?
Being too self-critical is epidemic in our society. It’s almost a national pastime to beat ourselves up over real and imagined imperfections. We became unwitting devotees watching our parents and teachers direct their anger towards us with negative judgments and demeaning labels instead of channeling emotions in appropriate ways. Being receptive little students, we pledged allegiance to those unkind messages and internalized commitments to keep them alive. Today we know the words by heart and speak them inside without even thinking.
Whenever we criticize ourselves, we compound the issue. We turn one problem into two — there’s the social blunder, a poor financial decision or disapproving glance in the mirror — and the demeaning self-loathing that follows.
You Can Stop This Self Criticism Right Now
Are you more than ready to silence the tyrant? Then try these five effective strategies to stop being self-critical and show yourself more love:
1. List the most common expressions you tell yourself, such as “I’m so stupid.” “I blew it again.” “ I’m such a bad person.”
2. Correct the sentiment to something more positive, such as “I’m doing the best I can. / I did the best I could.” Or “Life is for learning. We all make mistakes.” Or “If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.” Determine what contradicts your old messages and write them down on a card or paper. Carry them on a 3×5 card in your pocket or post them on the dashboard of your car. It helps.
3. Relentlessly repeat your new thoughts, especially when you’re judging yourself poorly or when you’re crying and feeling down. Repeat them ten, twenty, thirty times! It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. Just repeat them. Interrupt all the “yes, buts” and other discounting thoughts that surface.
4. Shower yourself with kindness in the form of self-appreciations. Compliment your own abilities, characteristics, qualities, and efforts. It’s not boasting or bragging. It’s looking on the bright side. Ignore the self-criticism and be grateful for the magnificent human you are.
If this feels totally weird and you can’t come up with a single self-appreciation, start with something small. Name a specific positive trait, talent, or quality and look at yourself from this new perspective. Try something like:
· I have a good sense of humor and can be funny.
· I’m a dependable friend.
· I take good care of my cat.
· I like to do nice things for others.
5. Try writing two self-appreciations each day. At the end of each week read your list out loud with conviction and enthusiasm. Adding a smile, or even half a smile while repeating your list, will give it a boost.
Tune Out Your Critical Inner Voice
You don’t have to accept the self assessment that you are a self critic and that’s just the way it is. Beating yourself up for not living up to impossible standards is a dead-end road that leads to Point Misery. See how wonderful you feel when you relentlessly focus on the good. Emphasizing your positive qualities and contradicting that internal critic will definitely improve your attitude about yourself. Starting today, turn your self-criticism into self- appreciation. You’ll feel the difference immediately and hear a new pledge of allegiance to the united states of Joy, Love, and Peace!
I Will do my best to follow through with this advice. What I see in my self is that I’m critical but it doesn’t get me anywhere, at least not what I see or think. My house is still a mess and my kids are fighting and I gained weight…I need help but my partner is too busy with his work and tasks to pay any attention to going the extra mile for me.
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I’m sorry for the lapse in responding. I’m so glad you and your co-worker came across these simple tips. Thanks for letting me know your good news.