I had a huge insight while talking with a client today. Carole was trying to get clarity about her long-term boyfriend, who had left their home a few months ago and was now planning to take on a summer job out of town.
When I asked what she was feeling, she reeled off a list about being abandoned, angry, sad, upset, and usurped by his parents and sisters who had taken him in.
It was obvious to me that as long as she was focused on him (an outward focus on other people, things and situations is the hallmark of unexpressed anger) she was going to feel awful feelings.
I pointed this out and then repeated my question about what SHE wanted today and where SHE stood when he had left. Carole said she likes living in the house alone with her dog and wants to live separately. She also knew she wasn’t willing to fall back into her old role of “the playing house thing” and feeling responsible for dinner on the table each evening. Her best-case scenario was that they would live separately and remain good friends.
In refocusing on herself and what was true for her, Carole was no longer in the grip of how terrible he’d been and how much she’d been wronged. With this simple switch, she felt clear and strong enough to speak her truth when they reunited at the end of the month.
Just that simple refocusing from outside (he did me wrong) to within (what was true for her), brought her so much more peace, strength, and confidence.
It’s a lesson we must all learn: getting absorbed with what’s happening out there takes us to funky places; staying within our heart and listening to our intuition brings us back to our true domain, our Self.